yomanila

Patricia Aleckzandra | YoManila

They say I’m the girl who leaves. I can care about you for one whole month and ignore you in just a blink of an eye. I’m a kind of girl who easily gets attach and detaches herself the moment she feels that pain in her heart, that fast yet really painful. I’m the girl who will knock on your door, and leaves you hanging when you open it. I spit the gum even before the flavor runs out. I don’t wait for another passenger to ride with me going to school. I throw away coffee when it turns slightly cold. Standing still is difficult because I want to do another thing again. I can be hurt yes, but I can smile after that. Your secret is safe with me because I can forget it easily. The things that I used to love, I can let it go without thinking it over. I’ll come, and I’ll leave smoothly and quietly without you even noticing. Moving on is not a challenge. But I was once not this kind of girl.

I was the girl who stayed. I stayed with you. I stayed even if you told me to go. Remember the time we were under the rain, and you left me without a word? I stood still hoping that you will come back. Silently and patiently I waited like a dog for his master. At the dark, I waited for you to call my name. I was alone. I was afraid. But still I stayed. I remained even though I know they won’t be back, they will never be back. I remember everyone who leaves. When the ride got tough, I was left behind. I sat there hoping while looking through the stained glass windows. I sat there as I let time drift away. I waited hours until I got tired. And when the weariness drained my energy and hope, I still stayed because I had faith. When they left for others I stood there, ready to take them back. I didn’t gave a second chance. I gave them third, forth, fifth and so many chances that it started to become a cycle. I gave hope to others even when I know I needed it most. I remained ignoring the fact that it will never be okay compared to the past. I stayed because I thought someone will stay with me. I stayed because there is no where to go.

I was never the girl who leaves. I once saw the color behind the black and whites. I once believed in fairytales and happily ever afters, even forever is not a lie to me. I had my high hopes for love. I had my doors open for opportunities. I gave a damn lot of care to the people around me. I was so sure of everything. But that was long ago – long before I realized that the only person you should depend on is yourself; that you should not have given away everything and left yourself nothing; that you should not have trusted your heart to someone; that you should have thought of yourself more than others; that you should have protected yourself more. It was so long I can hardly remember what, when or who made me change.

You see, I was not like this. I was not always running. I was not always scared. Yet, nothing is permanent. Sooner or later, things will change. And you’ll realize that this girl who often leaves used to stay.


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